Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
cocks speak louder than words, as they say
Nobody says that.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Out of everyone here, the sober one caught the cat on fire.
It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
I've finally given up enough on finals week to wear the same shirt three days in a row, because I didn't take my hoodie off for the first two.
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
STOP HOOKING UP WITH SOCCER MOMS! YOU ARE RUINING MY REPUTATION!
Randomize
