At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.
At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
a garbage man just dropped off my phone and wallet. he found them in the trash this morning.
I'm sure me singing - rather loudly - "fuck me in the back seat" last night didn't help either.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I know he works a lot but c'mon man. I 69'd you the first week we boned. Put a little effort in. Fuck.
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
"He's not as cute as he was last week" and "I'm not as drunk as I was last week" are basically the same sentence.
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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