I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
Fucked Zombie Jesus at a Halloween party. I need Plan B before I give birth to the Antichrist.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
Wait what do you mean I BOUGHT A FUCKING HORSE LAST NIGHT?!?!
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize