This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
