No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
I wish I only lived at night.
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Randomize
