life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
I'm sorry you're hurting. Would a picture or my erect penis help?
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