i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
im probably the most hungover person watchin icarly right now
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.
Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
the fact you finally accept your bi don't shock me but as your fuck buddy I expect you girls to go family style on me
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
RESPOND QUICKLY THIS IS AN EMERGENCY!!! LITERALLY AN 11 INCH DICK!!!!! HELP.
Randomize
