I showed him my bush... on skype.
Get dressed up for her? please, I could shit my pants and she would still blow me
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
I just found cold cuts in the blender. You and beefeater can no longer have unsupervised parties.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
I hate vagina strikes, but I must not stray from my path. My boyfriend will know the true meaning of blue balls.
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
Randomize
