time to smoke my breakfast
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.
I think 2012 will be the year I purposely put myself in awkward situations. Much like 2011 but really trying this time. Like fucking the little sister of a girl I already fucked and dating a chick that lives with her ex. It could be awesome or horrible.
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
Randomize
