this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?
I was just power-washing my vagina.
No one wanted to hang out so vodka and I are hanging out
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
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