I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
Being pregnant is so damn inconvenient for my sex life.
so i walk in and shes blowing her vag with a hair dryer. so i asked what she was doing, she said heating up supper.. come eat ;)
i'm so jealous of you right now.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
Gees I domt know what your deal was. You kept looking at Nick and shaking your head frantically and doing a weird motion with your hands
Tgat was the small dick alert
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
