once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
I almost punched the night nurse in her face. I woke up and she was standing over me.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
I got a message from the hook up gods today that it's time to move on. It came in the form of me being shoved in a closet naked and stuck in there for 30 min well he watched boy meets world with his brother.
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
sorry bout the carpet, but you DID call it "blackout punch" not "don't vom on my floor punch"
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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