It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
is sleeping with your Political Science professor Politically incorrect?
Was he helping you 'cram' for your final, or just giving an oral exam?
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
My public calorie counter app is pretty much just a cry for help.
Blasting venetian snares and drinking a beer. I love being an adult. It's like being a child but with beer for breakfast, better music, and no one yells at you.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize
