Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go
my dad's beating me at drinking again. No matter what i do I can't win.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
I don't trust him but hanging out with him might be fun
he's literally satan but yeah probably
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
Randomize
