I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
They said I was more of a mess than the German. I have achieved the unachievable, you may bow down to me
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
I AM OFFERING YOU ALCOHOL AND THE CHANCE TO LET ME SAY FUCK IT TO MY RESPONSIBILITIES. HOW MANY TIMES DOES THIS HAPPEN?!
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
