My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Good call on the strip club last night. Everytime i smell some flowery candle or air freshener I get transported back to having my face firmly planted in Riah and Desire's tits.
You're welcome.
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
One failed naked backward somersault off the bed and I realize - I either need to drink less or workout more. Perhaps both.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
Just looked at the TV in the bar for the weather report. Didn't want to walk home drunk during a tornado warning
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
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