just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?
i hope they name him Joffrey
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Randomize
