I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
Exactly. Motivated vaginas are the best kind of vagina
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
He is completely naked, curled in a ball, and rocking back and forth in the shower humming lullabies to himself. This is your responsibility since I'm going to be fucking someone in 5.7 seconds.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Randomize
