thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
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