I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
Randomize
