Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
I seem to have left my pride at pride
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
I didn't think you wanted your identity stolen along with your dignity. My mistake.
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
