so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
The beers last night were like the tears from god
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I know he's only a bandaid for my emotional disrepair, but he can stick me anytime!!
I would go disguised as someone he didn't have premature ejaculative sex with but I don't know if I could stay in character.
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