"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
So gin and wine won't be happening again
i hope whoever thought of bagged wine flip cup last night has the same hangover as me. not ok.
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Randomize
