im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
I have booze and I wanna give you a bj. How can you be mad at me?
Randomize
