what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
Dude turns out her best friend is lesbian...there is no wingman for this situation
So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.
Please tell me your aunt didn't see the Brita pitcher full of condom wrappers. We had at least 100.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Just got road head. In broad daylight. On the interstate. During rush hour. Pushing the envelope one public bj at a time.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
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