So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
Randomize
