A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
Finished drinking tea out of a red party cup when I was done I flipped it without even thinking
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
It's going to take a while to see a dick pic that I enjoy more than richs helicopter video
Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
You know you have an interesting job when you go to work and have to Google search "How to get poop out of a dryer".
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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