I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
all you kept yelling was "i'm bored and i'm sober"
Mustard is by no means a replacement for yellow wall paint
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
I parked in the SAE Fraternity lot and left a note that said if you don't tow me you will all get a blowjob.
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