So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
after we finished we were both getting water at the kitchen sink...butt naked
so?
then my sister's foreign roommate walked out...in footy pajamas
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....
She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
Randomize
