Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
So I just saw a commercial for tickle me Elmo furry gloves. And I thought hmm I bet I could jerk off with those. Is that a sign of deepseated charachter issues?
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"
there is no 'pace myself' on the blackout express
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
I couldn't drown my sorrows in an ocean of jack daniels. They may have scuba gear.
I'M NOT READY TO BE AB ADULT YET!!!
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I just put vodka in my apple sauce. Spice up your fucking life.
Should I rub the neighbors amazon package in the dog shit they left on the front steps?
We are balling out on levels, I think mikes about to go to jail. something to do with a unicorn and rainbows, the cops are not being reasonable.
Randomize
