allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
Just saw the guy with the plastic bag on his head riding his bike again...
He had a shameless baby voice when he was talking to my dog. There's no way I'm making it through the night with my clothes on.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
Maybe one day we'll get unicorn butt tattoos together
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
SOMETIMES YOU HAVE TO BLAST VANESSA CARLTON IN YOUR CAR AT MIDNIGHT TO FEEL AGAIN. IDK.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
seriously i don't trust him. he fed me a hot dog out of a crock pot and gave me moonshine dashed jager bombs.
Randomize
