3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
pretty sure i had my hand down BOTH their pants at the same time at some point...
I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now
i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
Here's the thing. Kinda drunk. Eating leftover soup. In bed. Watching Disney channel.
This friendship isnt goin to work if you dont respond to my drunk texts
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
So I wake up to my ex girlfriends underwear hanging from the ceiling fan and the only thing i can think of is "what time is the game"
HER BOYFRIEND CAME HOME WHILE WE WERE GETTING IT ON IN THE SHOWER
At least you smelled nice while he kicked your ass.
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