I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO
dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me
fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
You abruptly started screaming because they had and I quote “calamari on the hoof”
All I heard was "sit on my face" "okay" and muffled screaming. I'm still disappointed.
Randomize
