the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
The blow job award ceremony was a little much. You guys didn't need to call out what happened the night before.
What? How can you say that? You won!
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
Yet he continued to eat cereal out of the glove compartment in my car.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
I just watched videos of people getting puppies and crying, I cried too. Definitely still drunk
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
Come on in and take your pants off
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