So... how did lowering your standards work out last night?
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
So me and friend just finished Eiffel towering this girl and sounds great in theory but after the high five has commenced its just a weird threesome especially when you make eye contact with your buddy during the session
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
Honestly, I want an afternoon of mild abuse, mixed with face fucking and general molestation that turns in love making, laughter and cinnamon toast crunch naked in bed.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Randomize
