I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
She looks well worn, presumably from a cavalcade of penis.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Do you ever just feel like you can feel hormones radiating from your uterus?
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
Randomize
