My little sister just found a condom in her bag i borrowed... Happy fourteenth birthday.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
cliffnotes. writing studyguide on last pack of smokes. glad this semester is over.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Do you know how close I got to throwing him over the edge of the canyon?
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize