We won't sleep together?
I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
All I remember is laying in that secret hideaway closet, naked, with a beer cowboy hat on and you walking in and sitting down crying because no one would have sex with you
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Sorry about you walking in on the whole nude kinect dancing. The new roomie was drunk and naked and told us he was either over dressed or we were under dressed for the party. And Amy figured it would be easier to join him than it would be to dress him
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
