ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
I DEMAND FORESKIN
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
Randomize
