Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
mondays should just be called national damage control day
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
