I like to think it a success when the cops are called
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
I want your cock. I also want to cuddle you and tell you how amazing you are, because you know balance.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
Randomize
