i'm lost and i look like a hooker
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
Randomize
