Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
I had to pee so bad that I snuck into the bathroom while they were in the shower. At her request, he was massaging her boobs so they could grow faster. Also there was a laser light machine.
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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