it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
when we went to bed he asked me to hold his penis so he knew i was there for him
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
SOMEONE WITH THE TWITTER HANDLE "METHLAB" FAVORITED THAT PICTURE
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
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