$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
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