Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
If you make 120 dollars and I walk instd of drive and don't eat or smoke this week we can pay rent
Well then sir I'll probably see you tomorrow after my class and at 3 with your clothes off. Sounds like a solid way to start the weekend to me
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I wish I could be happy with a nice Christian girl, but no, I need a hot mess who starts bar fights
I am not a slut. I'm just very open with how much I love to have sex. Stop judging.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
His life is a porno. He snapped me while banging a girl in the back of the ambulance.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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