just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
tell me about the eggs
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
