Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
JoAnns office is warmer than mine. . .it must be because she has the gateway to hell under her desk.
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
