Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
So I am just swinging blind here, but I am guessing that blood in your sinus is not ideal
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Are you going to eat tacos off the floor again?
Not sure, she said after cussing out the dentist they called security. Make that the first person I know 86'ed by a dentist.
For someone who claims to be straight, she knows a hell of a lot about bi erasure, and one Hayley Kiyoko song too many
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
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