I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
so just incase I die tonight I'm making a list of people that I don't want to be let in to my funeral
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I had sex in the back of a hot foreign guy with a lacoste eye patch's car
I get stoned and write a 15 page history report in two hours. She gets stoned and cries because she "doesn't know which shade of pink is the real one".
he was snoring so I have him a bj to wake him up and then told him he had to leave.
Randomize
