god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
All I know is I got on a table at late night and sang gotta go my own way
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
no its a draw, weve been through this, when were keeping score on getting laid i get a plus 1 handicap each week because of your British accent! its only fair!
Randomize
