so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
Debating whether the Plan B I had this morning would go under breakfast or lunch in my food log.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
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