All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
Nope. Can't afford girlfriends. Still looking for the 25 year old bisexual tripled who owns a brewery or a casino.. the search continues....
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
wow. that really looks like a penis. not a top hat
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
