never let anyone you met on skype borrow your car. lesson learned.
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
you described his penis as a "portable fishing pole"
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
I looked so sad that Jessica gave me a bar of soap. So that's where I'm at.
Just threw up in the trash can at my desk. I guess "beating the hangover" eventually leads to this.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Randomize
