Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.
i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
Bombed my 8 a.m. exam and the liquor store doesn't open till noon. Drinking unfinished beers from last night till they open.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
