I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
how the fuck did you end up in georgia? you were here at my party dry humping some chick 2 hours ago
so you mean to tell me that there is no way you can get me?
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
I'm taking it from the chunk of pizza I just pulled out my hair that we ate pizza last night?
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
What happened with the girl wasn't a gay thing. It was just a mutual respect and want for sex. The guys just weren't there.
Call it what you want. You fucked a girl.
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
He came on my favorite pants. He is dead to me.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
Randomize
