a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
you took a scissor and started screaming "I WANNA KNOW WHAT ITS LIKE TO BE BALD"
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
8===D
That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
WHY DOES MY BOYFRIEND'S BROTHER HAVE TO BE SO FUCKING HOT
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