he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
She is just riding on my slutty coat tails.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Idk if my headache is from the alcohol, the pot brownies, or being dragged down 8 flights of stairs by my ankles because i passed out in the 12th floor girls bathroom by you. Probably a combo of all three.
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Working from home has been great for my sex life! A few of my neighbors are in open marriages and several more wish they were!!!
Randomize
