I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
I'm actually kinda upset that we didn't consider velcro-ing detachable capes to our clothes before this moment.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
I'm legitimately the first person in the United States to successfully shave their balls with a Razer Blade of a sword and fully admitt it. I'm honestly smoother then a 10 year old.
Randomize
