Welp...herpes.
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Did you know that chef boy-ar-dee was a real person? I watched a show about him. the history of the ravioli is more scandalous than you would think.
How does the curb feel today?
It's stronger than my elbow. But I found my lighter while I was down there.
Randomize
