i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
Safe to say I'm terrified but totally AMPED
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
I have a whole new respect for her. She chugged half a bottle of jack daniels, and then peed all over his wall. Serves him right.
Randomize
