I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Yea I just took my 1st pregnancy test. Turns out I am just fat. Also I haven't been with anyone in 3 months, which is clearly making me crazy.
I play with my boobs when I'm bored. I playwith my nipples whe I'm drunk
I was amazed that you fell flat on your ass and still managed not to spill them drinks in your hands. Your getting good at this.
I've been watching too much manswers. Cuz i know scissoring doesn't work on a motorcycle.
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
I'll do my best. he just keeps yelling beer and doing dick helicopters
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
At one point of the night i was standing at the bar and 3 of them had their hands down my pants, they were like thumb wrestling for it.
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Randomize
