Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
Well for decently drunk, in the woods, last-person-i-should-be-hooking-up-with sex, i thought it was pretty good.
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Randomize
