Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
You were pissed we didn't change the movie to Eurotrip so you kept singing "Scotty Doesn't Know" over and over until you passed out.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
Whoever decided to wrap my shins in duck tape owes me new leg hair.
He's hitting it raw. Might as well stick his dick in a vat of SARS at this point.
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Thank god I work in a lab. This pinkeye is out of control and my safety glasses are the only thing stopping me from digging at my eye with a pen
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
