What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Randomize
