The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
real busy. everything is packed. thats why we ended up at the strip club
You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.
ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
All I want to do is shower, but there is a keg in there.
You also proposed and then tried to jack me off
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
I was told today that I'm the ugliest bartender in the area, so, I guess I have that going for me.
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
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